It is interesting to contemplate the dimensions of an ideal suicide: it should be painless, or perhaps even pleasurable; it should be communicated to those left behind with appropriate poise, elegance, and beauty; and it should be remembered by the many with awe bordering on envy. An ideal suicide should be a work of art. Which explains why the best of us miss many a splendid opportunity to unburden this fair planet: perfectionists that we are, we cannot settle for anything but the finest way to go, and so we linger on until all of our requirements for a death worth dying for cannot but be violated. Incapacitated by the foibles of old age, we end up sitting and waiting for death’s mercy. The stronger our ideals, the greater the stench of our final days.

Addendum I (February 4, 2017)

Forever in search of a perfect suicide, I have even started a whole series of literary exercises entitled “exit” followed by a Roman numeral. So far, there are no less than eight of them, and they stretch over quite a few years. In particular, there are three of them in 2000, and one each in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, and 2015. So far, I have not come up with a single suicide recipe that comes even close to perfection. And I am getting ever longer in the tooth. The stench of my final days is almost palpable already. But it is ever more likely that a painless, elegant, and memorable suicide is beyond my ken. Instead, I will be writing and writing and writing till I drop. Come to think of it, it amounts to an almost perfect suicide, too!

Addendum II (August 30, 2017)

Well, well. The ninth exit, which came forth shortly after the first addendum was penned, is surely the winner (“Exit IX,” March 11, 2017). Abandon thought at will and remain free from it for as long as you wish, that is. Perfect! In retrospect, I am only surprised not to have recognized it as a bona fide exit from the very start (“No-Bullshit Enlightenment,” January 18, 2016). At any rate, the puzzle has been solved at long last. And I cannot hide my merriment any longer. Hip hip hooray!