Believe what your heart says—heaven makes no pledges.

From Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller’s Sehnsucht (1801), quoted by Fyodor Dostoevsky in The Karamazov Brothers, translated by Ignat Avsey, New York: Oxford University Press, 1998 (first published in 1994), p. 310.

Addendum (November 3, 2000)

I copied this line into my notebook at least two weeks ago, but only yesterday I decided how to use it. The reason for this is that several unrelated things came together, suggesting the best way to use this quote. The first and most important is Lauren’s predicament. I hear from both Giuseppe and Dragoslav that she is unsure about her next step. She could go to Los Angeles, but she is not very keen to go there. This would also mean that our marriage is definitely over. She could also return to London, but she feels that the place would feel empty without me. I would like to help her, but I do no want to prejudice her decision by offering tacit promises of any sort. She must decide for herself and then face the consequences. Schiller’s line struck me as emblematic of the task facing her at the moment. In fact, she must decide what to do today because she already has tickets to London for tomorrow. If she is not coming back, she will have to cancel them now.

The Billy Childish versus Nick Serota story is the second aspect of my decision. The quote comes from the section about the Grand Inquisitor in The Karamazov Brothers, like the other quotes I have sent around recently. In addition, the line fits together with the second addendum to the piece about Ella Guru and Nick Serota, which I sent to the “Let’s Make Art!” list this morning. It is not only Billy’s heart that the line is about, but everyone else’s. It is a call to action, a call to rebellion. That became clear to me at yesterday’s opening of a show curated by Dan Crowe. It took place in a bar of sorts. Billy was one of the artists selected for the show and the only performer last night. He sang verses from one of his latest books of poetry, which he handed to me when he was finished. Last night the two of us spent a lot of time together, talking about all kinds of things, including Dostoevsky. To my amazement, he told me he was rereading The Karamazov Brothers. At one point he even took me out on the street to read me one of his recent poems away from the hubbub. The rim of his hat was touching my head as he read with passion. When he finished reading, we hugged like brothers. I really like that guy.

The third aspect of my decision is almost silly. Yesterday evening, before I went to Dan’s opening, I went to see Phoebe Tait and the first postcard in my show at Made to Measure. On my way to Princelet Street from the Liverpool Street Station, I passed by Maya and Stuart Brisley’s house on Wilkes Street. I knocked to see if anyone was home, as I always do when I am in the area. Maya was away but Stuart was at home. She is someplace abroad, and he just returned from Canada. He told me about a show he would have in the area a couple of weeks from now. When he gave me a postcard with details, I asked him for more. The text about his show took quite a bit of space on the back of the card, but I told him I would use it for a short piece that would leave most of the text exposed. He knew what I was talking about because Maya and Stuart have been receiving my cards for some five years now. And so he gave me some fifty postcards. Schiller’s line turned out to be just perfect for his postcard. In fact, I have already produced more than forty postcards, which will be in the mail later today.